


Deserving

by Emyrldlady



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, Ghosts, M/M, Memories, getting your head on straight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 21:50:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1565264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emyrldlady/pseuds/Emyrldlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere.</p>
<p>- Buddhist Saying </p>
<p>Set post Exit Wounds</p>
<p>Original LJ work beta'd by Luvinthe88and20 and TemporalWitch</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deserving

Jack Harkness leaned his forearms on the rail overlooking the bay, the wind ruffling his hair and causing his coattails to flap. It was a crisp, clear autumn day and the breeze off the water filled his lungs. It was the kind of day that anything was possible, yet Jack’s heart couldn’t let him believe that.

Cardiff was beginning to recover from the massive destruction his brother had brought and it was all because he let Gray’s hand go.

On the lower level, beneath where he stood he saw the entrance to the Tourist Office. Jack knew Ianto was in there, behind the beaded curtain sorting archive records and adding them to the database he had created. It was a slow day for them all; the type of day that he would have previously been happy to tease his young lover by stealing kisses and flustering him till that adorable blush Jack was so fond of would appear.

Perhaps the team, would have a game of basketball or go to the pub, but there was no team now, just the three of them Ianto, Gwen and Jack. It was mid-day and he was in full brood, I should be on a rooftop, he thought.

“You should be on a rooftop.” Ianto’s voice startled Jack out of his reverie.

Jack glanced down to the Tourist office door and back to where Ianto now stood next to him, confused.

Ianto smirked at the Captain. “You were so caught up in brooding; you didn’t even see me leave the office. I think I’m rather insulted. I’m wearing my best suit too.”

Jack grinned at Ianto, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, I’ll be sure to stare when you walk away.”

“I’m going for the lunch run, and since you have neither your comm, nor your mobile on you I didn’t know what you wanted.”

“Not hungry.” Jack replied.

“Call the papers; the world truly is coming to an end. Jack Harkness isn’t hungry.” Ianto laughed out loud.

At first Jack let the laughter wash over him like a balm to his soul, and then he closed himself off, he wasn’t deserving of even sharing in someone else’s laughter.

Ianto saw the emotions flit across Jack’s face, “Jack, stop it. Stop beating yourself up over this; you need to move on. Let yourself live again.” He gently placed his hand over Jack’s on the rail. “Let yourself love and be loved.”

Jack withdrew his hand from Ianto’s warm comfort. “I don’t deserve it. Don’t you get it Ianto? It’s my fault. My fault that Tosh and Owen are dead, that half the city went through a nightmare. I don’t deserve happiness, and I certainly don’t deserve you.” He turned away from Ianto, giving the younger man his back.

“Jack, I…”

“No, Ianto. Don’t. Just leave me be, please.” Jack harshly cut him off.

Ianto retrieved his hand and as much dignity as he could muster. “Of course Sir, I’ll just get lunch then. I know you said you’re not hungry but I’ll get something for you for later.”

“Don’t bother.”

Jack listened to Ianto’s crisp retreating footsteps. His hurt and anger evident; it was just one more thing on the list of things Jack had done wrong. I don’t deserve any peace; I only cause them hurt in the end. He’ll be better off. Jack’s internal monologue of self-flagellation continued.

Suddenly a pair of female hands clad in white cotton gloves with pearl buttons appeared to the left of Jack, delicately grasping the rail. “Really Jack,” a soft voice from his past chided, “You really need to stop all this brooding. It was acceptable during the war, but now it’s just… what do they call it these days? Emo?”

Jack turned, and wondered if he’d lost his mind completely. Standing next to him was a beautiful woman with dark hair, merry eyes and bright red lips. A delicate hat sat jauntily on her perfectly coiffed hair and matched her 40’s style dress, complete with crinoline and stockings.

“What’s the matter Jack? Never seen a ghost before? I would have thought by now you had.” The woman smirked.

“Estelle,” Jack whispered her name. Before him was the girl he fell in love with at a dance hall during an air raid, bright and vibrant and full of mischief. He quickly turned away, “not possible. You’re a figment of my imagination.”

“Quite possibly,” Estelle readily agreed. “I’m glad that you chose to remember me as a young girl though, especially since you haven’t aged and if I chide you I no longer look like a grandmother doing it.”

“You’re another one,” Jack said quietly.

“Another one what,” she asked.

“Another one I couldn’t save.”

Jack swiftly received one delicate gloved hand upside the head.

“Ow!”

“Oh good! I can hit you. I was worried that I wouldn’t be corporal.” Estelle smugly said.

Rubbing the back of his head, Jack glared at her. “Evidently I have a very vivid imagination.”

“Oh you do, or you did when I knew you the first time around. Do you remember the time…” Estelle drifted off, blushing slightly, “Of course you do. You remember it all don’t you? That’s the problem isn’t it Jack,” her voice tinged with sorrow.

Jack shifted uncomfortably, “I won’t forget. I promise.”

“I know Jack. I’ve always known, after all you couldn’t even keep away from me in my old age. And for the record, considering I believed in fairies what made you think I couldn’t believe in immortality?” Estelle asked.

Jack just looked at her confused.

“Really, your own son? Jack how stupid do you think I was? Same name, same clothes, same SMELL? I knew you were my Jack all along.”

Jack looked away, ashamed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, I left you, but I didn’t want to.”

Estelle smiled at him peacefully, “I know Jack. And in the end it was wonderful to have even a bit of you. That’s what you don’t understand about us, about all of us whose lives you enhanced.”

“Enhanced? Don’t you mean ended,” bitterness creeping back into Jack’s voice.

“No, Jack. Everyone, every person whom you loved, loved you back. You changed our lives.”

“And now they’re dead, you’re dead, you’re not real.” Jack countered heatedly.

“But we lived, that’s the point you forget Jack, we lived. Beautiful, rich lives because we knew you. Because we loved you, and we were better people for it.” Estelle tugged on Jack’s arm forcing him to look at her.

“Do you really think Toshiko’s life would have been better inside that Unit prison, or Dr. Harper drowning himself in drink over Katie? You gave them purpose, you gave them understanding and you gave them love.”

“And I gave them Grey.” Jack whispered.

“Enough of this wallowing, you’re better than this Jack. It’s time to move on.” Estelle looked pointedly at the tourist office door. “Before you drive someone else away.”

“He’s better off without me.” Jack sighed.

“He’d be dead. He would have killed himself if it weren’t for you.”

Jack’s head turned sharply. “That’s not true, you know it’s not. Ianto Jones is one of the strongest men I have ever known.”

“Who made him so strong? He had you to lean on when he needed it, and it has made all the difference to him.” Estelle countered. “But you rejecting him now, when he needs you, when you need him, that would break him.”

“I can’t, I don’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve you, any of you.”

“Damn it Jack! What do I have to do to convince you? Sit you down and watch It’s a Wonderful Life? Irritation was showing in her voice and the vision of her wavered slightly.

Jack actually laughed out loud, “Are you trying to earn your wings Estelle?”

“Ahh, there’s my handsome joker. I’ve missed you,” Estelle placed her hand on Jack’s arm and he swore he could smell her perfume.

Jack smiled, not quite as sadly as before, “I’ll try.”

“You’ll do, and no mucking it up either Jack, he’s special. For all he’s seen and done, his heart is pure.” Estelle stepped away from Jack, smiling.

“You’re leaving again.” Jack said.

“It’s time,” she replied looking across the Plass to Ianto, who was returning with lunch. “Promise me Jack, promise me you’ll let go of the pain and only remember the special times with us, with all of us.”

“I will.” Jack replied.

“Jack you have forever, but it’s not worth anything if you don’t live life.”

Jack’s eyes traveled from Estelle to over her shoulder at Ianto, “Yes. You’re right, it is time to live.”

The pretty young girl he had fallen in love with in the space of a dance faded from his sight to be replaced by his lovely Welshman in his best suit.

“Ianto,” Jack called out in greeting.

“Sir.” Ianto replied cautiously.

“You didn’t happen to ignore me and my stupidity earlier and maybe got me some lunch?”

Ianto smiled. “You know I did Jack. I stopped at the Thai place you like.”

“You spoil me Ianto Jones.” Jack brushed his hand along the younger man’s arm.

“I try sir,” Ianto leaned into Jack’s warmth.

“You know what Ianto?” Jack breathed softly over Ianto’s face.

“What Jack?”

“I really do love this suit.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story previously posted on LJ that I'm slowly migrating to AO3.


End file.
